presence

4-12-26

Although hoping for still waters, my hope will not matter now.

I must accept the reality of storms, as I do still waters.

Another opportunity to learn : I always have a choice.

There is nothing to win, nothing gained or lost.

Only the choice.

Do I choose to live peacefully in a chaotic world,

Or do I turn away from peace to engage the chaos.

There are not always right and wrong answers, only consequences.

Consequences which are usually out of my control.

Choosing peace is not always the right answer, when chaos is unjustly imposed.

And although engaging chaos is often futile, experience has taught me,

To fear, avoid, or deny chaos is shameful to my character.

4-5-26

Thinking about how many times I have been so busy creating busyness, I pass by the gifts of the moment.

While on my early morning walk today, I heard an owl.

Unsure of where the sound was coming from, I scanned the barren trees, but I saw nothing.

As I walked further, I heard him gain, this time easy to see, resting atop a telephone pole.

We observed each other for a minute or so, not wanting to intrude longer, I took my leave

A quiet moment of shared time and space with creation.

I pray that today I will remember, the ordinary is extraordinary,

And the less busyness I create, the more special the moment becomes.

3-29-26

This morning I arrive at the park, and I find my place.

This is not my land, this land belongs to trees, to robins and squirrels, and I get to be here.

How wonderful to breathe ordinary air, in ordinary places.

How fortunate to become a free man, owning nothing, owned by nothing.

The shackles imposed on me by memory and judgement are falling away.

Some placed on me by others, some self-imposed, to realize it does not matter.

To see that my own inner darkness was my greatest teacher, now becoming unnecessary.

To believe that my own inner light is always present and always changing.

Like blue sky and clouds co-existing.

Our light is not lost by changes, co-existing with a changing world.

1970

It comes to me now, deeper memories, hidden from myself.

Bringing truth to my memories.

The charred human skeleton.

He was a human being, now a burned body needing “recovery”‘

Burnt ash disintegrating in my hands.

“How did that make you feel?”

“How did you feel when you tried to pick him up?”

You don’t feel because you don’t know how.

After

After, you hate yourself for being alive.

You will always hate yourself for being alive – you must.

3-12-26

The closer I get to the end, the farther away it appears.

Change comes quickly now.

What used to be gifts I was grateful for, became expectations-

Then disappointments when withdrawn.

I am becoming reduced, loosing things I took for granted.

I see that I am becoming a disappointment to some, that’s ok.

More and more, “to thine own self be true”.

Accepting the reductions, all part of the process of growth.

Knowing who I truly am, it is humbling, it is supposed to be.

3-14-26

To embrace loss, to embrace confusion, to embrace uncertainty.

To be at peace with changing reality.

To not oppose the becoming of the day-

To do my best willingly, to never look away.

To know that I am not here to achieve some end-

I am here to do my part in a dance, a dance I did not intend.

3-3-26

I am the darkest cloud on the brightest day,

I exist as none before, none after.

Let me enjoy the comfort of my own thoughts.

Let me live happily in my own body.

Let me laugh at my own foolishness.

Let me live detached from my own time-

Connected to all time, ever and again

3-8-25

It takes more than prayers and good deeds to know my inner light.

I must bring truth to all my memories and embrace my darkest night.

I must know the better I try to be the worse I will become.

The paradox of living is not like equalling a sum.

Keep seeking anyway, stepping up, stepping down, stepping out.

For it is only from being completely lost that you discover what life is all about.

3-1-26

Why I am a socialist.

As I sit beneath the sky at dawn, I find peace, even grace in the natural world.

Finding only turmoil, hardship and struggle in the world of man.

When did we get so lost, that self-destruction became our best solution.

I see now that it was when we raised capitalism above religion, that slow erosion

of our values for the sake of monetary gain.

Although I don’t hold to any religion, I learned my values and morality there, and

greed has never been a virtue until now.

Wall Street is the seat of wisdom, and billionaires are the new saints.

We might speak religious words, we might do religious things, but we live greedy

little lives.

Until we learn to share more than we keep, we will suffer through our time allowed.

As I sit, I just saw my first redwing blackbird of the season, another soon arrives,

they share a branch.

2-17-26

Arriving, thank you thank you. This place, this moment, this very breath.

Head and foot, heart and soul, thoughts and feelings, memories, all here.

My breath is my life and my purpose.

Three geese travel together overhead, I watch as they disappear in the western sky.

Not the first, just one of the many gifts I will receive today.

Until now, I thought there was something for me, and I must find it.

Until now, I believed I must carry the raft that took me across the water.

Until now, belonging always required a degree of betrayal.

Until now, there were secrets that remained.

Until now, I believed joy and sorrow were different.

Until now, I was unsure of myself when I was alone.

Until now, I believed something was wrong.

2-10-26

Coming to terms now with my death, to terms now now with my life.

To terms with the peaceful times, to terms with the times of strife.

Remembering all the love I’ve found, remembering the love I’ve lost.

The choices I made selfishly, allowing others to pay the cost.

To terms with being someone who prefers being broken, to pretending I am doing just fine.

Rather than choosing the straight and narrow, I prefer to blur the line.

Someone who is always seeking the truth, but hoping it will never be found.

Who believes the Great Mystery is as close as I can get to solid ground.

To terms with the sorrow I have known that I must laugh instead of cry,

To terms with the joy in my heart that always brings a tear to my eye.

To terms now with my darkness, as with my inner light –

Knowing both as best I can will keep me from believing I am right.

1-11-26

Today let me find and be aware of the goodness of things.

Let me live in a broken heart grateful for the living, not a worried mind,

concerned with me and mine.

I observe two squirrels, busily working through the winter.

They do not question, nor anticipate the weather.

While they are eating to survive, I know they are spreading seeds of life,

and pruning trees.

They are present to their creation.

I feel my heart moving now, stronger, let me not run away to my thoughts.

Let my heart rise, let my mind recede, let me live my life as a guest here,

Grateful for my time.